I don’t fit in the box

It has been exactly one year since I wrote the journal entry below.  My ADHD diagnosis has been so life-changing for me. With my diagnosis I was able to start to understand who I am and what I need. It’s really quite amazing and emotional for me to read this journal entry because I was at the worst point in my life. I was so low, lost and lonely. I was looking to others for answers and direction. The thing that ended up being my light at the end of the tunnel was when I started to look internally for my direction and answers. I started to be true to myself and started to learn to ask myself “what does Alyssa need? What does Alyssa want?”

Monday October 23rd, 2017

I have so much on my mind, it’s crazy!

Last Wednesday I stumbled across a TED Talks video and it was all about ADHD. The different types and how most girls aren’t actually diagnosed because they don’t have your “typical” ADHD.

I am such an emotional mess since watching this video. This can explain everything. I have always felt like I don’t belong, like my thoughts and my feelings and my actions are too big for people and I always have to watch what I do and what I say.

I am at a point now where I can’t put on a brave face anymore and just go along with everything. Imagine if I could go to school. Imagine if I could start something and actually finish it. But most of all; imagine if [a certain person] could just accept things for the way that I want to do them. The best way to describe it is that I live and strive best outside of the box and society/[certain person] and whatever/whoever else wants me to be inside the box. And I can’t. I really, really can’t. Because now the box is closed and there’s no air holes and I really can’t breathe anymore. Doing anything and everything is overwhelming and hard.

stuck in the box I don’t want to do anything anymore. If I am being completely honest with myself every time I go to the grocery store there’s too many ppl, there’s too many choices, price tags, the lights are too bright and I get super dizzy, emotional and anxious. I avoid going to the store as much as I can. I love having new clothes but going to the store and picking them out, trying them on… too overwhelming.

I have always wanted to make my way through a cookbook. Could never actually do it. I don’t get why! If I do have an ADHD Brain then it would make a lot of sense.

I can’t cook in a kitchen with someone else because I am always making sure that I am not in their way or doing something wrong.

I keep thinking to myself that I’m going to take off the ADHD mask and just do and say what I feel. It’s so scary though because who am I? Who does that make me? Will people like me? Will I just become brutally honest? Will I be like [person]? I really don’t want to be annoying. Would I prefer that or who I am now? I do not know.

One week, 7 days from now, I will be going to see Patty. Hopefully she can give me some advice/shed some light and maybe then I can start to feel better.

I’m so lonely. And my tongue is almost permanently numb.

Right now I can’t even handle an 8 hour work day for my dad. I’m sick of telling him that I’ll come in to work the next day and then not being able to go. Same thing with friends. I hate making plans and then cancelling or bailing because I just can’t.

It is really quite remarkable how much has changed for me since I started to accept who I am. By accepting who I am, what I need and what I want, people and jobs have just started to fall into my lap. That’s not to say I didn’t do the work; I made myself vulnerable and I put myself out there. The good people, the people I have recently been surrounding myself with, really appreciate that. Have you ever heard that you attract the energy that you put out? What about that you teach others how to treat you?

I’ll end this here because I can go on and on and on about my personal transformation.

I’ll leave you with this question: Can you relate to anything in my journal entry?


Time Tracker Worksheet
Body and mind — out of sync!
Stress & Anxiety
Why do we take something simple and make it more complicated?
Our second brain!
Fish out of water
Discomfort and most of all, FRUSTRATION!
Meditation – Natural breathing
Productive vs. Unproductive Worry
Eliminate the “why”
Emotional Hijacking
Top 3 reasons you should focus on your strengths
Gluten Sensitivity & Anxiety

 

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